Most of the time I'm scared, scared of not being good enough, at what?, at everything.
Most of the people I know think that I'm strong enough to face anything... my family, some friends, people on the street... The fact is that they only see what I let them see about me. There's a few people who really knows how I am... I can count them with my fingers.
I quit my job last week.
I still remember my first day at the office. Everybody saw me like a weirdo or something like that... they didn't know what the hell I was going to do... actually, I didn't know either.
Little by little, I showed my skills. My partners thought that I was good... very good actually*.
The fact is that every single day that I was there I worked in fear... the fear of committing a mistake and doesn't know how to solve it. Of course I never let the others know about this.
I quit, first of all, because I was working on three or four different things at the same time for the price of one... **
Second, because of the money... the were paying me a riddiculous amount of money...
I worked hard... I did my best and my partners thought that I was the best... the truth is that I was always afraid that my mask fell off and they notice that I'm nothing but a liar, a cheater... That I'm not what they saw.
That's what I'm afraid of... Not being as good as everybody thinks I am... not being as good as I should be...
Now I wanna finish my last moan in this blog with this quote from the Rockbiter:
"They look like big, good, strong hands, dont they? I always thought that's what they were. (...) I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out off my hands. I failed."***
*Indeed, they weren't very smart...
** I worked with the accounting department, I worked as technical support, I worked as translator and English Consultant, I took care of the importations and also I had to help pack candy... yes, candy... oh, and many times I was the delivery boy... all for the same salary.
*** Rockbiter, The Never Ending Story
1 comentario:
Hey!
I think it´s great you write this entry in english...and actually i only saw 1 mistake so that´s even greater.
I just want to say that everyone is afraid of making mistakes...we all make them! But a person is strong not when they do everything right, but when they lean from the mistakes and still carry on.
And that´s what you do every day!
Don´t be ashamed of being afraid...that´s where people like me, friends, family come in the picture, to help you throught the dark times...
And love remember, people from other countries told you you were the kindest of the workers...they said that for a reason!
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