Most of the time I'm scared, scared of not being good enough, at what?, at everything.
Most of the people I know think that I'm strong enough to face anything... my family, some friends, people on the street... The fact is that they only see what I let them see about me. There's a few people who really knows how I am... I can count them with my fingers.
I quit my job last week.
I still remember my first day at the office. Everybody saw me like a weirdo or something like that... they didn't know what the hell I was going to do... actually, I didn't know either.
Little by little, I showed my skills. My partners thought that I was good... very good actually*.
The fact is that every single day that I was there I worked in fear... the fear of committing a mistake and doesn't know how to solve it. Of course I never let the others know about this.
I quit, first of all, because I was working on three or four different things at the same time for the price of one... **
Second, because of the money... the were paying me a riddiculous amount of money...
I worked hard... I did my best and my partners thought that I was the best... the truth is that I was always afraid that my mask fell off and they notice that I'm nothing but a liar, a cheater... That I'm not what they saw.
That's what I'm afraid of... Not being as good as everybody thinks I am... not being as good as I should be...
Now I wanna finish my last moan in this blog with this quote from the Rockbiter:
"They look like big, good, strong hands, dont they? I always thought that's what they were. (...) I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out off my hands. I failed."***
*Indeed, they weren't very smart...
** I worked with the accounting department, I worked as technical support, I worked as translator and English Consultant, I took care of the importations and also I had to help pack candy... yes, candy... oh, and many times I was the delivery boy... all for the same salary.
*** Rockbiter, The Never Ending Story
